Takers Will Always Take From Givers
Understanding the Taker, Giver & Matcher in a relationship; Princess Mononoke; More Lo-Fi for focus; Starting Over
There are things that I’ve always wondered... How some people can simply bulldoze one's boundaries just as they like, as if they own a person?
What I do empathize with are those who are so vested in their boundaries, although it might present them with an unfriendly, or uncool look. Who can blame the boundary protector? Boundaries keep them sane.
My younger self thought rules were not cool.
But these days I think rules and boundaries are actually cool. They are safety nets to maintaining sustainable relationships. Without them, disruptions happen, one that can be dangerous to your sanity.
All of us, have our own boundaries, some have strong, non-negotiable rules; some lack thereof. These are all... due to the world population being segregated into three kinds of people, takers, matches, and givers.
But anyway, first, let's understand...
What is a taker?
In my head, takers are those who would do anything to gain at every opportunity they see and come across.
Adam Grant says that takers do this by exploiting people with fear and paranoia as their weapons. This makes a taker easily spotted.
But they can also be hard to spot!
They can use their charm, likeability, politeness, and friendliness; leading us to think they have our best interests at heart.
So yah, ever wonder "why is this person too nice to me?" Wait a little while and you will be able to see their true colors revealed by themselves.
Personality traits of a taker
A taker will expect a bucket of water after you've given them a drop of water. Aka they expect ongoing commitments, wild with demands they think they deserve, taking everything from everyone wrapped in between their fingers.
Some traits of a taker’s selfishness:
Acting entitled to people’s help. Claiming credit for success while blaming others for failure. Kissing up and kicking down. Being nice to your face and then stabbing you in the back — or being nice only when seeking a favor.
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Selfless givers vs effective givers
Before we move on to the dynamic between givers and takers in a relationship, it is so so so important to understand these two types of givers. Yup, there are two sides of the coin in givers!
Selfless givers would drop their world for others. They'll ignore their current priorities (and would fall behind in this) just to accommodate takers' needs. They have no limits, no boundaries, and are vulnerable to takers.
Otherish givers are strategic and smart about giving. They've learned how to navigate requests, and to what extent would they accommodate in a takers world so no one would take advantage of them. Note that this may be an upgraded version of selfless givers.
If you are a giver, what type are you?
Givers and Takers in relationships
A relationship that is designed in giver-taker dynamic is rarely sustainable. To the extremes, it can be super unhealthy as givers would go all the way investing their valuable resources to meet the wild demands of the taker, who has no limits.
It may be time, knowledge, and money at no strings attached. To put it in perspective, givers can even jump off the cliff for the taker!
The usual situation:
When a person contacts you out of a blue, asking for a ridiculous favor on the condition that you must also respond to that very day.
If you do not reply, the person would nosily follow up multiple times, and insist on you to answer to their favor on their own terms (aka by jumping on a call, or meet you).
Experienced this before?
So no surprise there that takers get ahead in life by exploiting givers.
Takers have no limits
Now that you know a taker has no limit, what's worth knowing is that takers have a contagious negative effect that will spread like wildfire in any kind of environment.
Why?
Because anyone can sense the air of 'distrust' and 'suspicions' takers personify.. This aura is so contagious that as Michelle Mcquaid puts it, "even givers will stop helping others or contributing when they feel they’re working in a culture of sharks as no one wants to be consistently taken advantage of."
💬 Takeaway: Sooner or later, takers will distill the morale and productivity in an environment.
Embodying the matcher to prevent generosity burnout
There is a study that says, tending to ad-hoc requests on a regular basis tends to burn people's energy more, which will reduce one's ability to manage emotions and focus on difficult tasks (that might matter more than the ad-hoc ones).
But, we're always told to believe that one must always be helpful?
Yes, however it's time to unlearn some notions on generosity… By embodying the matcher!
Enter the matcher, the person beyond the binary, a person that reciprocates based on the score.
The matcher believes in a just world: equality.
Generosity, can mean caring about others, but not at the expense of caring for yourself.
And being helpful does not mean you should reward selfish behavior with unconditional generosity.
Solutions for givers to handle takers & protect their sanity
You connect a person that needs help to a person that can actually answer that help. Pretty useful if you get an inbox flooded with requests.
Givers, don't try to be EVERYTHING for EVERYONE. Focus on what makes sense to you, what you're good at and enjoy doing.
Batching requests.
If you are someone important in the eyes of society, your inbox may be full with requests. From students, reporters, the staff, or just the general public. Yet you are swamped with big decisions that require stable emotions. The way to handle requests or questions is to batch them up, and answer in one go. This makes the process more streamlined and efficient. Plus, you'll get to protect your other time for other things
Create a library of personalized responses.
This CEO of No has figured out the system already.
Set screen time. Do not disturb exists for a reason. Now there's even a Focus mode, which I haven't tried, has anybody tried?
In the long run,
The givers may lose in short term, but at the end of the day, they most likely win because they have a solid reputation that forms a stronger, deeper connection with their network. And it's no surprise that the Universe tends to reward those who give without any expectations, at the time they very least expect.
Takers win in short term, but may lose in the long term because a taker will eventually reveal its ugly personality to people. No one likes a taker, and no one will treat a taker with respect, or with admiration. There may come a day where there would be nothing left for a taker to take, because the Universe knew.
Once again, remember—
Givers, no matter how sincere you are, you have to remember that you do not, owe, anyone, especially a taker an unconditional interaction.
Experienced the taker-giver situation before? Share with me!
& if this letter has helped you gain a perspective, or you know anyone that needs to hear this, it would mean the world to me if you share it to a friend!
Current Obsessions
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Finally, We Are Breaking Up teaser!
Ashitaka & San's Lo-Fi theme
Serious Things
"You have 2 lives, and the second one starts when you realize you only have 1," Tom Hiddleston's Life Advice
“If starting over is your objective, the world will reveal itself to you” — 15 risks you must take
This Calcifer vibing while Howl's taking a nap gave me focus for 50 (30+20) minutes to write this week's letter. So this is why people like Lo-Fi to study!
Recently Finished
Princess Mononoke
Two quotes 💬
"Seeing with eyes unclouded by hate"
"You can't change your fate. However, you can rise to meet it, if you so choose."
Top of my head 🧠: What's interesting in this film is how no one is a villain, but each are saviors and heroes in their own society. So how do we measure these characters’ dynamic? By their growth, progression—one thing I learn from this podcast.
Elsewhere
Been thinking about how red flags will keep coming back if we don’t address them, and how each of us has different red flags we are triggered to. What’s your red flag?
A lesson on Squid Game (also was last week's letter) from a #farinsighter:
From... not Kitty City
I am currently not in Kitty City at the time this letter is published, but somewhere in the jungle of Borneo.
What I want to remember 🎞: This past week has been a grueling one for me, but I've risen to meet my life-changing decision. That lifted the huge blockage in my head, as if there are no more weights on my shoulders.